Love and Explosives

HAY, SHOW ME YR ( . )( . )!!!1!!1

2010-08-26T16:44:00.000-07:00

The other afternoon I was driving on the freeway and minding my own business. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the truck next to me was driving completely parallel to my car. I assumed that he wanted to get in front of me so I took my foot off the gas in order to let him change lanes. Well, I forgot that when you assume you make an ass out of u and me (LOL!!1!1!). He slowed down with me and continued to match my speed. I then realized that this douche was clearly trying to get my attention. I glanced over and was met with a leer from one of the most hideous humans I have ever had the displeasure of laying my eyes on. I responded with a sneer and turned my attention back to the road because $unny Katz is all about the safety. This mother fucker continued driving along side me and triggered my RAGE QUIT sequence. I looked at him with RAGE, AND THEN THAT MOUTH BREATHER WAGGLED HIS LIZARD TONGUE AT ME AND MOTIONED FOR ME TO TAKE MY TOP OFF. I gave him the finger as hard as I possibly could. I seriously would have given a kidney in return for my middle finger being equipped with death ray capabilities.

Gentlemen, let me give you a tip. Women do not like being leered at, EVER. Doing gross shit to us while we are driving/walking/living our fucking lives MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A PILE OF SHIT AND IS NOT GOING TO GET YOU LAID. I am a firm believer that all forms of unwarranted sexual harassment should be met with immediate execution, or at least the removal of a vital organ. Go ahead, ass-hat, ask me to take my top off, it will only cost you your liver.

Oh, You Fool!

2010-08-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

A few mornings ago I awoke to find a text message from a number I didn't recognize waiting for me. The text was sent circa 2 a.m. and had this to say. "Please do not open the picture message I sent it to the wrong number it is very personal"

After reading that I immediately went on to open the picture message and was greeted with this image:

After chortling to myself in my typical evil super villain matter, I wrote back to the man who sent this to me. "Dude, you sent me a picture of your junk, how am I not supposed to put this on the internet?" I received another text stating that the person did not have their cell phone with them over night and that they were in fact not the sender. This can mean one of two things. The first and most likely scenario is that this hombre is a straight up liar and is trying to pull a Shaggy by claiming "it wasn't me". The second scenario is that some guy used his friend's cell phone for the soul purpose of sending a drunk dick pic to a(n) (un)lucky recipient. I am a fan of the second scenario, because it is much more hilarious and scandalous than the first. Unfortunately for him he sent it to me and not the lady he meant to, which means his dick pic is now my property, and belongs on my blog. My favorite part of this portrait is the way he has moved his balls to the side and is lovingly cupping them. Don't feel too bad, dick pic culprit, at least you don't have a mad dad bush obstructing the view of your genitals. XOXO

EYE H8 U PlZ DYE

2010-08-12T21:53:00.000-07:00

My name is $unny Katz, and I have a Twitter account. I have always had a love/hate relationship with the entire site. I enjoy that this program forces me to be creative and funny using a limited amount words. Unfortunately, the majority of content on the network has the intelligence level of your average juggalo. Amusing and clever quips are few and far between and are often lost in the abyss of e-shit. Fear not, gentle reader, for my Twitter, WHICH CAN BE FOUND HERE, is filled with banter so hilarious/disgusting/hyphy you will forget just how retarded everyone else is on the internet. You will enjoy my dark humor and questionable hygiene. Follow me, and you will truly understand how to be awesome, in 140 spaces or less.

My Twitter experience, much like everything in my life, has not been a completely normal one. My comrade, Neil (who's blog can be found here: Negative Neil)and I are Twitter friends, and correspond on there quite a bit. Neil also happens to be Adam Lambert's brother, who happened to win (at least in my mind he did) American Idol not too long ago. Over the past few years, Neil has acquired a bizarre fan following of teen agers (and those with the emotional capacity of one) due to his brother's fame. Somehow because of this connection I have to the Brothers Lambert, I now have my own set of Adam Lambert fans who internet stalk and bombard me with the most nonsensical and inane bull shit via Twitter. They take everything I say seriously and then have to let me know what a giant meanie I am. Thank you, mouth breather who is 10 years my junior, I will take your insignificant opinion to heart. GOOD THING I DON'T HAVE ONE. But seriously, I really don't have the fucking time or patience to explain the concept of sarcasm to someone who has this for their profile:
"Umm i'm 16 years old, i'm Muslim and i'm a big Adam Lambert and TommyJoe Ratliff Stan. I'm free2hate on LJ and i'm a Badger!"

The most recent incident happened a few nights ago. I posted a picture of my re-colored tattoo, Neil said it was too dark and asked if I took the picture in a cave, I then asked the fair question if he knew just how whiny and Jewy he sounded. User, free2love93, took it upon themselves to alert the internet of my vile ways.

"entitlement AND anti-semitism! oh joy! RT @coyote_xx: @negativeneil Are you aware of how whiny and Jewy you come across on the internet?”

I then basically did what Scorpion does in this video but in Twitter form.

@free2love93 You left out my hatred towards women and the mentally challenged, you retarded cunt.

Just to be clear, I am not anti Semitic, that would make Passover dinner very awkward.

At times it can be quite infuriating to have my precious internet existence invaded by humans who possess the writing skills of a fucking you tube comment. However, most of the time the situations are quite comical. I of course do not have the maturity level to let such insults to my e-name go unpunished. I respond to each comment made towards me, and will continue to do so with as much sass and venom as possible. Certain things are unforgivable and I shall wield my e-katana into a FLAWLESS VICTORY. E-stalking teeny-boppers, prepare to have every single Mortal Kombat fatality performed on you.

P.S. I have nothing negative to say about Adam Lambert. He is an extremely talented human and deserves the good things that are happening to him.

Summer musings

2010-08-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

The new Muse song, Undisclosed Desires, is the perfect tune for the gloomiest San Diego summer.

For the record, I always prefer cloud cover to direct sunlight.

Advice all up in This Bitch

2010-07-16T19:55:00.000-07:00

A close friend of mine sent me an e-mail asking for a favor. Being of an extremely selfish nature I was automatically disinclined to help, but at the same time I was curious as to what she needed. It turned out that a friend of hers turned forty (imagine that forty is written with drippy letters, similar to blood.)and she requested that her friends give her lists of forty things for her birthday. The lists could be compiled of any subject matter that the author wanted. My friend decided that she wanted her list to be composed of forty pieces of advice from forty women she admired. YEAH, I DON'T KNOW HOW I MADE IT ON THAT LIST EITHER. The following is my contribution to said birthday girl's list, who also happens to be a complete stranger to me. Although this is for a specific person, know that the advice given can be applied to any human, INCLUDING YOU.

More times than I would like to admit I have found myself feeling like a complete and total loser in comparison to my friends and peers. I would love to tell you all about my academic and career achievements that I have, uh, achieved, but sadly, there are none to boast about. When it comes down to it, I am just your average immature "adult" who has spent far too much time in the shackles of Junior College and Customer Service. During the darkest times of my downward spirals fueled by self loathing, I have spied a light at the edge of the gloom. That light has come in the form of the hit television series, Cops. Let me tell you, woman whom I have never met, watching Cops will change your fucking life. When you find yourself wallowing in misery and playing your life's failures over and over in your mind, turn on the magic talking box to Cops. (Whatever hour of the day, I'm sure you can find it playing.) Allow yourself to become immersed in men without shirts talking shit to police officers and crack whores claiming that the dope doesn't belong to them because these are not their pants. Then, take pride in knowing that you are not a shirtless man screaming bloody murder, nor a human being that has to sell themselves in order to purchase a white rock*. Rejoice in your new found superiority, and don't be afraid to get a little smug with it. The next time anyone, yourself included, starts to get critical with you, remind them, loudly if necessary, that no matter how shitty of a person you are, at least your run in's with the law haven't been filmed for national television.

*Unless of course you have been a man arrested without a shirt and/or a drug addicted prostitute.

WORDS TO LIVE BY. YOU ARE FUCKING WELCOME.

Constant

2010-05-30T18:39:00.000-07:00

I will always be an angst ridden teen-ager.

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How to Write a Baby Shower Thank You Note

2010-05-04T23:09:00.001-07:00

This is the correct way to properly show your gratitude towards someone who has purchased things for your unborn spawn.

Dear Sweatpea,
Thank you so much for the blankies and diapers you got for us! Although we expected a coat hanger, we really appreciate you spending your hard earned $ on baby shit! =)

<3<3<3,

Leslie and Stephen

P.S. When we ask you to baby sit, please remember-
no porn till he's 7
no meth till 10 =)
no bj's till 5.

2010-04-19T22:48:00.000-07:00

Personal Ad of Doom

2010-04-01T22:03:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I created an account for myself on okcupid.com, which you can find here. Feel free to point, laugh, and and revel in my e-loserness. I made a profile with the optimistic hope of finding like minded humans who also happen to be babes. Well, turns out dating websites are basically the Wal-Marts of the internet. Nothing but active military, bisexual girls with boyfriends, and overall 3's. I falsely hoped that my profile would assert itself with sarcasm and n3rdiness and act as a sort of buffer between all the Gollums and myself. Turns out it really doesn't matter what you write on your page, hideous idiots will infiltrate your inbox with no hesitation.

The majority of messages I have received have been from dudes that I find the opposite of charming and attractive. My method of dealing with messages from undesirables is to not reply. This is for a few reasons. The first being that I am giving them an opportunity to recognize that I am not interested and to bow out gracefully with part of their e-dignity intact. The main reason I don't reply is because I do not want to open up the lines of communication with any of them. At times it's tempting, really fucking tempting, to write a sarcastic and insulting message back, but in the end it's not worth the headache. I already know that I am capable of dishing out soul crushing rejection, and it's nice to know that it's there when I need it. I just don't give a shit about these turd burglars to have any sort of dialog with them.

Tonight I come home to a message sent by this necklesss ginger CLICK HERE FOR LVL 10 HAWTIE Said message states the following:

subject: ew

put on some clothes. no one wants to see you in that nasty tiger outfit.

What the fuck is that? This balding dick head has nothing better to do than troll okcupid for girls who would never fuck him and send them serious sick burns. First of all, if you are going to insult me in two sentences, I would suggest coming up with something that doesn't make you sound like an after school special bully. You would think that someone who's number one love in life is god could come up with something a little more biblical and theatric. Well, here's my suggestion to you, "Red". Maybe you would have a little more luck with the ladies if you stopped antagonizing humans who could give a shit about your entire existence (see also; ME) and more time figuring out just where the fuck your neck went. News flash: cute babes don't give a shit what ugly, fat guys think of them!!!!!!!!! Next up: rain is wet, fire is hot!

I have been meaning to blog about this sigh inducing experience that has been online dating. It hasn't been all terrible, the few people I have met have turned out to be pretty cool. I am not searching for anything serious, just merely opening the e-doors of opportunity. I will do a better job keeping you, THE INTERNET, up to date on what's going on with my personal ad and all the shit it brings. Because you care. No really, you do.

Save it for Later

2010-03-23T14:43:00.000-07:00

This song makes me want to hold hands with the world.

head shot

2010-03-08T23:16:00.000-08:00

I recently m.s. painted an abomination for a friend's show. Yes, some people (see also; geniuses) find my extremely skilled, yet incredibly offensive/violent/disgusting, drawings to be manifestations of pure awesomeness. He told me he desired also a head shot and a brief bio. I am still trying to sum up the majesty that is me into 5 sentences or less, but at least I have the picture all set to go.

do it

2010-02-14T16:56:00.001-08:00

Your bloody valentine.

Science Channel Let Down

2010-02-11T17:36:00.000-08:00

My imagination has a tendency to run away with me. That's probably why I got so excited when I saw the title, SHARK VOLCANO, on the science channel. Immediately I got pumped at the potential awesomeness of this program. I watched for the full hour, and would give myself a 75% in overall satisfaction. Let's face it, sharks are fucking awesome and make for great viewing entertainment. However, my brain got my hopes up for something beyond awesome.

SERIOUSLY. THINK ABOUT IT. HOW FUCKING COOL WOULD IT BE IF THERE WAS A VOLCANO NOT ONLY SPEWING FLAMING HOT MAGMA BUT ALSO EVERY SINGLE DIFFERENT KIND OF SHARK. YOU CAN NOT SURVIVE SHARK VOLCANO. SHARK VOLCANO DESTROYS YOU, YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY, AND ANY PITIFUL GOD(S) YOU WORSHIP. KNEEL BEFORE SHARK VOLCANO.

Haiku-you

2010-01-29T15:13:00.000-08:00

I have written many a haiku in my time. I haven't written any recently, but that is all about to change. In the mean time, I am going to present to you, The Internet, some of my favorite past gems that have flowed out of my brain. Enjoy or don't.

Cumplete Lack of Social Skills

Pickin my eye boogs
Breath smellin like some old poop
Nice to meet your moms

Mystery

Yes, that's your finger
In my ass or in my vag???
Mama's been drinkin

Filth

...Is this mayonaise?
Crusting all over my desk
Sandwich a bit dry

Fenrir

So, you killed Odin
Please, smile for me daddy
Lemme see your grill

Trollops/Hos/Bitches

Hey cool, buy me shit
Don't tell me about your day
Friend request denied

Abraham Lincoln

Peace out slavery
I want to log your cabin
Your beard is peaceful

Hopefully re-reading my works of art will be just the motivation I need to crank out some more of these hot lil nuggets. Until we meet again, please remember, there is no such thing as too much glitter.

OH, YOU CLEVER HUMAN

2010-01-27T22:53:00.000-08:00

BUTTH8$2DIE

Imma pour one out for you, baby girl

2010-01-11T22:23:00.001-08:00

<3<3<3xoxoxoxoxo<3<3<3

Reflections

2010-01-04T23:04:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, I wonder...will I ever stop eating like a bachelor?

SO HUNGOVER

2010-01-02T23:13:00.000-08:00

But not too hungover to whip out some fresh 2010 m.s. paint.

The basics

2009-12-10T23:28:00.000-08:00

Bed, cats, anime.

Aaaaaahoooooooo werewolves of San Diego

2009-12-07T23:17:00.000-08:00

You lycans can't hide from me.

Sort of, kind of, almost adult

2009-12-01T18:31:00.000-08:00

Time management is not one of my fortes. It's probably safe to say that it's actually one of my biggest short comings. I'd like to think that my razor sharp wit and srs gaming skillz out weigh my inability to prioritize. However, my bills just don't seem to get paid on time any sooner regardless of what number my character levels up to. I guess Time Warner Cable doesn't appreciate how important blowing shit up in the Capital Wasteland really is. Assholes.

I find that when I am really busy I am much better at getting shit done. The voice yelling in my head about "THERE'S NO TIME TO NOT DO THIS NOW!!!11!!", really seems to be a good motivator. My days off are a different story. Cue no pants, no shower, no ticket, no taco lifestyle.

I just spent the past twenty minutes looking at pictures of cats and reading earth shattering status updates instead of completing this blog. Thought you should know.

I wish I could be more consistent with my motivation levels, but alas, they are at ever fluctuating rates. One week I will be super pumped and ready to GET ORGANIZED and REALLY TAKE THE HELM OF THE SHIP OF MY LIFE and then the next week I will be trapped in the haze of weird tobacco and lose my ability to even resemble a productive member of society.

Perhaps someday I will truly grasp the meaning of being an adult. Until then, I will make due with my fickle attention span. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a mushroom cloud to walk into.

Just imagineer it

2009-11-28T18:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I like to eat pistachios while I play video games.

And sometimes I just like to pretend I'm J.P. Morgan and show the world my best evil banker face.

>:/

2009-11-10T00:20:00.001-08:00

JULIA JACKSON.

I MISS YOU LIKE THE DESERTS MISS THE RAIN.

Is that really necessary?

2009-11-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

I have a really big problem with humans who ask me a question and repeat back the answer I JUST GAVE THEM in the form of a question.

...

........

............

CLEARLY YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID, BECAUSE YOU JUST SAID IT BACK TO ME WORD FOR FUCKING WORD. SO JUST WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME? DID YOU THINK YOU COULD TRICK ME INTO GIVING YOU A DIFFERENT ANSWER? OR DO YOU JUST HAVE A CORN POOP WHERE YOUR BRAIN SHOULD BE?

**

These interactions typically cause me to do a slow blink and I have to remind myself that it isn't technically legal to tiger upper cut someone for being an obnoxious fucking idiot. These situations also tend to occur when I can't exactly say what I want in reponse. In fact, I usually have to be really fucking nice and resist using the dark side of the force in my rebuttal. In most cases I just repeat myself back to them and kind of drag out the last part of it.

FOR EXAMPLE

Human Generalization: "Excuse me, but do you have anymore of these butt widgets any where else?"

$unny: "No, we don't have anymore of those butt widgets."

Human Generalization: "You don't have anymore of these butt widgets?"

$unny: "No, we don't have anymore of those butt widgeeeeeeeeeeeets."

I hope that whilst stretching out the last word I am not only being slightly annoying (without being rude *of course*) but also driving home the fact that this is what I just fucking said, you fucking shit bag. Anyone who has conversed with the dreaded general public has found themselves caught in the middle of verbal nightmare. At this point in the conversation the audible assailant will either back down with a simple "...oh" or will continue to bug the shit out of you until you find someone else to tell them the same goddamn thing you have been telling them for the past ten minutes. Simbah, or should I say Kimbah, this is the real circle*** of fucking life.

**not drawn to scale

***see also; seventh circle of hell

So cruelly you kissed me

2009-10-26T19:46:00.000-07:00

Yet another tune for the season.

you always keep passin me by

2009-10-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

I love the transition into Autumn.

Almost home

2009-10-15T23:44:00.001-07:00

I moved out of my Dad's house last Sunday into a home with three roommates. I have been dividing my time between moving shit, unpacking shit, re-arranging shit, working, and stumbling into my new found adult-like status. Allow me to be frank, I am really fucking tired. I want to curl up in my new bed and wake up to find everything finished. I am really frustrated in the amount of time that every task seems to take and the ever dwindling hours in a day. My back is constantly yelling at me and I seem to have a never ending collection of new bruises caused by unfamiliarity to my surroundings. It's as though my to do list expands at twice the rate of my actual free time. I guess it would be a fair assumption to say that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I also seem to be turning into a complete dumb ass. I am many things, but I have never considered myself to be unintelligent. Recent events have caused me to reconsider my stance. For over three years I thought my tv was broken because every time a television show and not a dvd were playing, a black rectangle would appear on the screen. Well, turns out I just had the fucking closed captioning option selected and that was the culprit behind the black abyss. A fact that would have gone undetected by myself were it not for my friend, Zach, who pointed it out. I might as well trade in my anime movies for a pair of ugg boots, start listening to radio rap, and embrace the fucking internal idiot inside of me that is just dying to get out. For added accuracy I will also start screaming into my blue tooth in public while actively ignoring any humans accompanying me. The stupid monster inside of me will not be denied forever. I should just accept the inevitable and ooze my way into the masses.

NAAAAAH, JUST KIDDING 163<3<3<3X666. I may not be the smartest human on this little blue and green planet of ours, but I doubt I could meld into one of the hive. Resistance is not fucking futile and I will wear my bloody zombie gear with pride por vida.

No thanks, I'll pass on the big g

2009-10-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

"An Atheist believes that a hospital should be built instead of a church. An Atheist believes that a deed must be done instead of a prayer said. An Atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death. He wants disease conquered, poverty ...vanished, war eliminated."

As someone who has no religious affiliation, I found this quote to be quite inspiring. I have never felt the need for any kind of god to direct me in how to live properly. I also have never fallen victim to any of the fear inducing questions such as, "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'LL GO WHEN YOU DIE?" and "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT GOD IS ALWAYS WATCHING(JUDGING)?" My answers are, "I don't know, but I sure hope there's anime" and "Really? That's kind of creepy." Yes, I do want one of your pamphlets. But I want it for the unintentional humor and not for the purpose of soul enrichment.

At this point in the game I feel confident in saying that the chance of me joining any kind of religious group is 0%. Keep in mind that this is a personal choice and by no means should my views dictate your life path. That being said, I really wish that religious people would stop coming to my house in an attempt to recruit me. Look, I grew up in America and I have the internet. I know who Jayzuz is. I am clearly not interested and I highly doubt a conversation with a stranger is going to change that.

Oh, and let's be honest. Most of the activities I enjoy in life are overflowing with sin. And to be even more honest, I wouldn't have it any other way.

How I long for the days of which I wear no pants

2009-10-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

I have been incredibly busy the past few weeks. I am now currently working two jobs and my activity level has literally gone through an imaginary roof. Literally! My days of anime and chonies have left me and have been replaced by capitalism and commuting. Increased work hours have also forced me to stop being such a lazy piece of shit in all aspects of life. Instead of waiting until my laundry basket is screaming at me in Russian (I don't know why either) I now do it when it is not even 3/4 full! Although my sleeping patterns will never be completely normal, I don't sleep past 10 a.m. But fear not! Just because I am now a more contributing member of society, some things still remain the same. I will still play marathon sessions of video games, drink frothy beverages in (always moderate) excess, and my desire for laser elbows still burns deep within my cold, black heart.

I did recently break a cardinal rule I set upon myself long, long ago. I went through the fucking Starbucks drive through like a yuppie turd. For some asshole of a reason, I really wanted some iced coffee one morning. I decided that it would be acceptable to go through the drive through, though I had my trepidations. I knew doing this would raise my douche baggery levels to sky high proportions, but I fucking did it anyway. A small voice in the back of my head said, "I bet it would be faster to just go inside", BUT NO, I IGNORED IT. Then I found myself sandwiched between an SUV covered in high school and Jayzuz stickers and a Jetta whose passenger was talking on their cell phone at the same time they ordered. What circle of suburban hell did I voluntarily enter? The line moved much slower than I had hoped for and each moment I sat there I knew I was to blame for any misery that I felt. I made the dickfor decision to participate in this morning pre-commute cluster fuck and I had to suffer for my lapse of judgement. I guarantee this will not be a mistake that I repeat. But I make no promises for any other aspect of my life.

Your ever loving (and h8ing) reluctant yuppie,
$unny

/tech support

2009-09-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

From time to time my Dad will send me texts. They don't happen often, but when they do they are instant gems. It all started about three and a half years ago my Dad asked me to show him how to text message. I told him that he was a n00b, and that the only way to learn was to figure it out for himself. Such a cruel child I am. I comletely forgot about this interaction until a few days later when I get a text saying, "gues watuicaaando." I replied "WHAT" without really thinking. My Dad proudly replied back with "texst." A true milestone in our cell phone obsessed world.

This morning, I was minding my own business when I noticed I had a text0rz~!!!1~ What do you know, another Senor Katz t.m. "iturnedonthedishwasher." Thanks, Dad, I will get right on that.

Will Smiff and that jazzy d.j. were right, parents just don't understand.

Scare tactics don't work on me

2009-09-02T12:20:00.000-07:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Make that $$$

2009-08-17T21:22:00.000-07:00

I'm sure by now most of you humans (all 6 1/2 of you that come here) have seen the commercials for Cash4Gold. On the slim chance you haven't seen this advertisement and couldn't quite figure out the plot line based on the name, I will break it down for you. You are just an average citizen and like any average citizen, you have a shit load of gold laying around the house just collecting dust. Well, have I got some good fucking news (no, not the Jayzuz kind) for you. Sit down, because the kind souls at Cash4Gold want to give you cash for your scrap gold. I know!!!!1!1 What luck, because you were just thinking how you are too fucking lazy to go to the pawn shop and all this crack isn't just going to pay for itself. Just call the number on the screen, wait for your gold kit to arrive in the mail, proceed to mail that janky gold, and then you will finally understand what Biggie Smalls meant when he said "mo' money, mo' problems."

Well, no, Cash4Gold, that's not really how it fucking works. In my twenty five years on this little blue and green planet of ours I have never come across anyone who had "scrap gold". What the fuck does that even mean? How much gold do you have to have before you can have "scraps?" Is your dad a fucking mummy? Do you have cursed treasure just pouring out of all of your closets? Seriously, who in the hell has surplus gold artifacts just lying around their shitty apartment?

I find this commercial exceptionally funny. Not only is the acting just what you would expect for that kind of gig, but I get to imagine all the idiots who actually use this service. I am fairly certain that the typical C4G user is in fact a Juggalo. Wildly over/under weight, a sixth grade reading level, and an obnoxious habit of chanting a variety of stupid fucking phrases ALL THE TIME. If you are dumb enough to fall for this kind of marketing, you deserve the five dollars they send you for your ICP necklace.

Cosplay lifestyle

2009-08-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

Take no prisoners, smile with your eyes, wear no pants.

Meow, baby

2009-08-15T23:04:00.000-07:00

Taking a great cat picture in three easy steps.

step 1: Look as evil as possible.

step 3: Profit.

Fun size

2009-08-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

Would anyone care to play a crude game of tiny Scrabble?

<3

2009-08-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

Real friends leave marks.

Poison vs. education

2009-07-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

I am currently trying to convince myself to do home work instead of going to get Taco Bell and washing everything down with booze. Just another daily internal struggle in my exciting life.

Comic Con 2009

2009-07-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

What can I say, I pull off the g0th, angsty teen quite well.

I am still feeling a bit Comic Con-ed out, so I am not going to go into extreme detail here. This year was the most packed I have ever seen it. To be quite honest, I could have done without the Twilight fans. Actually, I could do without Twilight all together. These books/movies/idiots are making us actual vampire fans look like fools! Fools, I say! As always, I wish there was more anime, but I am pretty used to this situation. I just need to schlep my way over to Anime Expo one of these years. It's a shame it happens so close to the Con of Comics, an event that has proven itself to be a most worthy adversary of money. Money and Twlight n00bz aside, I had a wonderful time socializing with new and old friends alike. This is the one time per year that I get to hang out with so many people from so many different locations. A true gem in the hilt of my social sword.

I have a few key points I would like to take the time to mention about Comic Con. I feel that these are tidbits that can be carried over and applied to conventions and large groups of all kinds!

1. Shitty Costumes

You know who you are. Those who make outfits from cardboard, duct tape, sticks, and Dionysus knows what else. If you are going to dress up, make sure you plan out what you are wearing at least a few days in advance. Your silver painted box and tape suit of armor (Al, Full Metal Alchemist) impressed me not, adolescent girl! Please, spend more than 20 minutes/dollars on your cosplays. Also, it is NOT acceptable in any form to wear JEAN SHORTS under your slave Leia costume. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

2. Idiotic Walkers

Why, why, WHY do people think it is a good idea to abruptly stop walking in the middle of a busy aisle, proceed to turn around, and then smash into whatever may lie in their path.? What, did you think you were alone in this walk way? I saw many more pedestrian offenders, but this move really stood out in my mind. Congratulations, I crown you all the Dingle Berries of Movement.

3. Screaming Teenagers

I get it, you are unsupervised by adults and you have a raging joner for whatever you are a little fan boy/girl for. Please, at least act like you are somewhat interested in eventually getting laid and SHUT UP. Also, stop chasing each other in the hallways. You make it far too tempting to trip you/go find Pedo Bear.

4. Free Hug Advertisement

You get what you pay for.

This next one doesn't really have to do with the Comic Con directly, but is actually a direct result of having a shit load of people in one place.

5. Petty Cab Bike Riders

I understand you are all trying to make a living just like the rest of us gut bags, I really do. However, you are all obnoxious as fuck. I can't walk 5 feet without someone yelling about giving me a ride and ringing their little second grade bells. I have never paid for a petty cab, and I never will. The rides are slow and I am almost positive I can reach my destination in a much more timely (and free) manner. I just don't think I could take the embarrassment of riding in one of these things all while Justin Timberlake blasts from some janky 90's boom box. I am never hostile to anyone in the petty cab industry, however, every year I seem to have some annoying run in with one of these humans. This year, it happened while I was walking to my friends hotel in my Triana Orpheus costume. All of a sudden I hear, "HAY! Purple haired pirate girl!!!!!" Keep in mind the voice was noticeably drunk sounding. I replied in typical offended nerd fashion, "I am NOT a pirate. I am Triana Orpheus." This was immediately followed by an eye roll from me. (Quick way to piss off a nerd, get their costume wrong) "Ohhhh, sorry. HAY! Let me give you a free ride, you will be great advertisement! Are you going to the Hyatt??" The Hyatt is now almost directly in front of me. "No, why would I want to get a ride to somewhere that is 15 feet away?" He has of course been following me on his disgraceful machine this entire time and my frustration level had actually been raising exponentially with every turn of his pedals. He mumbled some kind of stupid pseudo apology and I stormed off with a flick of my purple whig. I really have no time for sceevey guys, especially when they are paired with a petty cab. Let me give you some life advice, oh bearer of the weary, lay off the Smirnoff Ices and don't follow girls around because it is CREEPY AND IRRITATING.

All in all, I had a really fun time this year. The people watching was off the chain, and the over heard conversations were just as entertaining. It's Tuesday, and I am still not quite feeling back to normal. This con-cold seems to be lingering, and no amount of mana is making it go away.

She's a lady

2009-07-11T16:16:00.000-07:00

One might say that I have had a life full of moments where I spill a lot of shit on myself.

Patience

2009-07-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

Science. It takes awhile.

HAHAHAHHAHAHA, BUTTZ

2009-07-08T23:42:00.000-07:00

Maturity. It's important!

Best presents EVER

2009-07-07T00:40:00.000-07:00

A true friend showers you with the gifts of champagne and strobe lights.

Enough

2009-07-06T00:27:00.000-07:00

There are not enough adjectives in the English language to describe how much I hate avatars. I place avatar making in the same category as having excess amounts of applications, "apps", on your phone. Truly, they are the wet farts of useless technology. Nothing screams n00bing the fuck out quite like having several boring avatars of yourself to go along with your 'where the fuck is my car?' and 'just how much honey mustard should I stick up my own urethra?' apps. I really don't understand the appeal of either thing, but then again I'm not too surprised by that since they're designed for idiots. If you want to make a likeness of yourself, do it right and do it on m.s. paint (Just like the really, really, REALLY cool people do). Get zesty with your design and draw yourself decapitated or shitting on the entire world! Don't limit your creativity to a shitty, from the chest up picture. Take a stand against douchey e-idiocy, one obscene and violent m.s. pain drawing at a time.

Insane Clown Posse, as crazy or insane as you want them to be

2009-06-24T23:29:00.001-07:00

The following is an actual paper from a remedial English class in Riverside.

Insane Clown Posse is crazy and insane

Insane Clown Posse is crazy and insane for all the stunts they pull on and off the stage. They always where wicked clown make up when they go out on stage for a show, get interview by someone on the street or when there going to a party they always where their face paint which represents insane craziness. During their shows they rap about them running around cutting people's heads off with shovels, and how they go insane. Insane Clown Posse is a rap band. The material they write about is insane mostly crazy though. They write about killing, getting killed, going crazy, and goin on murder sprees it's insane. They also for some odd reason love throwing faygo pop out into the crowd through out their concerts getting every single fan drenched from head to toe. The bottom line Insane Clown Posse is insane for how the think and they are crazy for what they do.

What I Learned From This Essay

A Response By $unny Katz

Insane Clown Posse fans are big fans of insane craziness (look at all the crazy makeup they where!), but are bitter enemies of commas. It's very important that an individual has the proper amount of insanity before decapitating someone with a shovel. The rap group, Insane Clown Posse, has an entire discography of insane material that is mostly crazy. So if you were looking for songs that were crazy but mostly insane, look else where, pussy. Not only do they write about committing murder, but they themselves are often the victims of homicide. One might go as far to say that this rap group exists as opposite sides of the same coin. The crazy insane doesn't end there, but grows stronger at a live Insane Clown Posse recital. (Check your local venues!) Expect a thorough soaking of Faygo pop, no fan is leaving dry. (Use water proof face paint when paying fan tribute) If the above insane stunts, makeup, homicidal lyrics, and insane craziness is not enough to convince you that Insane Clown Posse is insane, prepare for a shovel coming straight for your neck.

Possible discussion topics:

1. Is Insane Clown Posse insane? Why or why not?

2. The person you lost your virginity to is now a juggalo. Do you say hi when you run into them at a bar?

3. Your brother comes out to you as a juggalo and asks you to keep it a secret for now. What is your decision?

4. Confirm or deny: There is a direct correlation between listening to Insane Clown Posse and taking a remedial English class in Riverside.

5. Insane Clown Posse is to ________ as _________ is to _________

Standing room only, asshole

2009-06-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

Attention all bar owners. Please stop putting pool tables in your bar in areas of high foot traffic and limited standing room. It is really annoying to your patrons to get smacked in the elbow when they have just finished purchasing one of your many adult beverages. Use your brain and think about how much room you have, then multiply that number by how many assholes you get per night, cube that number for weekends, and then stick the entire equation in your butt because that seems to be the place where your head hangs out the most.

Interacting with other humans holds many perils. Crowded bars mean long wait times for drinks, an even longer wait for the bathroom, and the ever popular 'oops, sorry' I have to mumble every five minutes for drunkenly bumping into strangers (which I only sort of mean half of the time). Physical obstacles, such as pool tables, add an extra element of danger and frustration.

I really have nothing against this game or anyone that plays it. I only really find it annoying when I am in a bar that is obviously crowded and yet there are those couple of ass-hats who see no problem in continuing to play. Right, because no one is bothered by your pool cue prodding them in the kidney or is sick of moving out of your way so you can miss your shot.

You maximum occupancy pool players are real dicks. Look, Bud-Light and Jager-bombs are not performance enhancing drugs. You really aren't impressing anybody with your lack of skills. All you are doing is pissing off everyone around you and getting chalk all over your pants. You bar offenders are in the same category of loathing as cell phone kiosk sales-people and need to go back to the third circle of Hell from whence you came.

I found that brown note

2009-06-07T12:10:00.000-07:00

Monsters From Mars played a last minute show at their house last night. Humans were crammed next to each other in a relatively small and hot space. Of course, halfway through the set, I egg farted.

"It smells like farts!" I yelled from the crowd as everyone around me breathed in my butt fumes.

(THAT'S CAUSE I FARTED!!!1111!) <~~~ This was yelled in my brain.

Small victories.

I don't hate everything

2009-05-28T23:35:00.000-07:00

Grab your nicest pink satin button down top and get ready for this dance break.

I have not blogged in a month because I have been super busy*

2009-05-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

I don't know what happened here. 22 days ago I was french tickling your brains with my razor sharp wit and impatience for the human race, and then I was gone like a thief in the night. I left without so much as a winking face or another emoticon containing equal levels of e-flirtiness. I am lazy, but don't think I don't care.** I guess I just got caught up with my insane rock and roll lifestyle. To be quite honest, I have a pile of clean clothes to put away and various other room maintenance activities that are annoying me which isn't very rock and roll of me. It's really hard being so lethargic and not liking messes but hating to clean. I AM REALLY COMPLEX. Or I just have a lot of bad qualities that conflict with each other.

I am finally done with the Spring semester. I have no idea when I am going to be done with school. I don't really have any 'marketable skills' and the idea of working in an office type situation makes me want to take a bath with a hairdryer, so I guess I have to get a degree. Being a student is also a nice way of not quite growing up. I am trying to avoid becoming a real adult, and let me just say I have been doing a great job at that. I am not very good at a lot of things, but I am mind blowingly awesome at being immature and irresponsible.

Since I usually like to pick on other humans so much, I thought it might be fun to list a few craptacular things about myself. Although I am not perfect I am confidant that I am far from being part of the mouth breathing idiot majority that makes up this species. Most of my fellow humans make me want to keyster a broken bottle of tabasco sauce that is covered in razors and leeches. You are welcome for the visual that will last a life time.

HAHAHAHA, I WAS JUST J/KING WITH YOU, INTERNET!!1!! No way am I going to list any of my bad qualities! As far as you are concerned, you can think of me as a being comparable to the fifth element. I am of course wearing my gold bikini and a snarl, my armor and weapon of choice.

I will try to write more stomach churning life commentary, until then, I leave you with this beautiful man from craigslist.

*drunk

**want to see you with no pants on

This poem made me believe in the internet again

2009-04-26T23:34:00.000-07:00

Between the endless assault of advertisements, dick pix, and the cyber space of hell known as youtube comments, the internet can sometimes seem like a bottomless e-pit of retardation and terror. Each time I sit down in front of my computer I play a game of Russian roulette: stupidity edition! and prepare myself for a potential all out attack on what lingering brain cells I have left. Just like real life, the internet often leaves me feeling isolated, angry, and like I need a fucking hug. However, there are times the internet pulls the fuck through and gems like the following poem are found.

Guy #1: Yesterday I made some Valentines for my coworkers, and I made up little poems to go in them, to make them extra personal.
Guy #2: Like what?
Guy #1: "Roses are red, violets are blue, your cat chewed on my dick for a little bit, but I didn't know how to tell you."
Guy #2: Did you get any Valentines back?
Guy #1: No.

This soon to be literary classic was brought to you by Overheard in New York

And yes, I did lol. I loled until I was unable to lol anymore. Thank you, the internet and Julia Jackson who was the lovely human who showed me this work of art, for reminding me just why I fell in love with you in the first place.

I like to talk about the weather because I have explosive diarhea where my brain should be

2009-04-21T22:03:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when there is a change in weather everyone feels the need to comment on it? I get that you and your friends are a bunch of genetically inferior Miley Cirus fans, but some of us (ME) are not. I don't need to hear your mind blowing revelations of "Oh mah gawd, it is sooooooo hot today" and "Wow, today is hotter than yesterday". Why don't I need to hear this? BECAUSE I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW. I have an uncanny ability to notice weather changes without any of you mouth breathers mentioning it to me. Seriously, are you all in the second grade? Are you going to tell me what your favorite color is next? I sure as fuck hope not because I shockingly don't give a shit about that either. Unless it is raining blood or some other sweet plague like atmospheric condition is happening don't fucking talk to me about the weather. Otherwise I can, you know, look out a fucking window and figure it out from there. And if that is not sufficient I can take a god damn step outside and do further investigations until I get to the bottom of things. I always managed to figure out just where the hell Carmen San Diego was hiding so I am pretty confidant I can figure out just what the fuck is going on with the forecast. But thanks for assuming I am just as stupid and boring as your are, ass hats.

license plate fuck you

2009-04-18T17:51:00.000-07:00

Fuck your personalized license plate. You are not clever, cute, or funny.

This is for all you xy's out there

2009-04-18T10:29:00.000-07:00

Lately my friends and I have been getting on the topic of male pubic hair. The toleration levels of dude hair varied, but several were firm non shavers. We will simply dub them Those-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, because I put them in the same category as the Dark Lord. Listen, if you are a guy and don't at the very least trim your pubic hair, you are an asshole. Trimming is the absolute minimum requirement of one's nether regions. Minimum. That means you and your dad bush have got to make some serious changes. Just take 5 minutes out of your stupid and not very important day and spruce up your shit. Think of it as an investment. "Oh, I want to eventually stick my dick into something that I don't have to pay for, isn't a 3, or underage. Hm, maybe I should take down this kinky jungle I have going on downstairs."

First of all, penises aren't that awesome to look at. Why do you insist on making it worse by having some hairy monster coming halfway down your shaft?? Oh, and guess what, turds? All that extra hair isn't just a fashion statement, it is also holding in all your shitty body odor. Congratulations, you now have a wiener that smells like the Rock of Love Bus septic tank. Nothing says give me oral quite like a shit dick.

I don't know who is spreading the rumor that it is acceptable for guys to have 70s porn star amounts of hair, BUT IT'S NOT TRUE. Don't think because you are men that having excessive amounts of body hair is okay. Maybe for a select number of your partners it was fine, but I am willing to wager most of your past exploits have laughed about you and your genitals to their friends. So, I guess if you were looking to have people snicker at your smelly and gross dick, you fucking win! The prize is a lifetime of behind the back shit talking and having a cock that wilts flowers.

This topic is not open for discussion. Trim or die.

Edit: I m.s. painted you an easy to follow along diagram. Click to enlarge LOL LOL.